


Silence In My Heart (Noise In My Head)

by LostMyHeartToHim



Category: Star Trek Into Darkness - Fandom, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Unreliable Narrator, goddammit somebody stop me, post-STID
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-23
Updated: 2014-12-23
Packaged: 2018-03-02 22:00:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2827550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostMyHeartToHim/pseuds/LostMyHeartToHim
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Humans are fragile. Their only protection against the world is the skin covering them. Fragile, fragile skin. Skin that has nothing against radiation. Skin that can't prevent pain and coldness and tears. Skin that breaks and lets the life bleed out. Just a one single cut in the right spot and you're dead. Just one wrong move and you're gone."</p><p>After STID Jim isn't as alright as everyone thought that he was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence In My Heart (Noise In My Head)

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea where this came from. It seems that I just enjoy hurting Jim.  
> Not a native speaker and this work isn't beta-read, as usual. Comments make my day!  
> FYI The sentences inside parentheses written in italics are hallucinations

It was silent - or as silent as it ever can be on a starship - there was always that constant background hum of the engines. It used to calm you down, but now it's just a silent noise at the back of your head that you never quite notice except on the nights like these. When the walls feel like they are closing in and the noise intensifies until it feels like your head is going to explode. You close your eyes and breathe. _In, out, in, out._ You have dealt with this before. You can do it. You can. You have to. You cannot lose your ship again, not again. ( _You know who lose their ships? Failures, broken people like you.) Breathe. In. Out. In. Out. Good. (See, it's not that hard_.) Just imagine your mind and body to be two separate things.

Your lips curl in a self-deprecating sneer. Like that's hard. You feel disconnected all the time. This doesn't feel like your body. It isn't your blood bumping through your veins. It's poison. It's black liquid that goes trough your heart, making it beat, keeping you alive. ( _Why are you alive? So many people died. So many good people and you're the one who is alive._ )

_In. Out. In. Out._

~o~

Your fingers cares the arm of your chair. Your, yours. Your chair. Do you deserve it? No. But you won't give it up. Because you're selfish. Always have been.

You gaze at the vastness in front of you. So many places to go. So many worlds to discover. So much life. ( _Why are you alive?_ )

You start. Spock - _when did he get here?_ \- is looking at you with that little furrow on his forehead that means he's worried. He asks you if you are feeling well. You stare at him silently. Are you alright? Are you truly? Are you like you were before? Or are you now part of him? Or is he part of you? ( _Are you alright, Jimmy? What's wrong, Jimmy? Are you crying, Jimmy? Are you..?_ ) "Captain?" You snap back to attention and realize that you haven't answered yet. You smile - what you hope is a reassuring smile - and dismiss him. You return your gaze back to the blackness. ( _So much empty space, Captain. So much darkness._ ) You don't notice the looks the others exchange over your head. You don't notice much these days.

~o~

You watch the light playing on the surface of the brown liquid in your glass. Saurian brandy. Very good quality. Not that you would know. You haven't even taken a single sip yet. Even if you had you wouldn't know. Everything has lost its taste. You only eat because you have to.

Bones is talking to you. Asking questions. How much do you sleep? Have you eaten correctly? Do you have any idea how bad you look? Do you have nightmares? ( _Well do you, Jimmy?_ ) There's that voice again. Whispering in your ear with a velvet smoothness. Hot breath tickling your ear. ( _What do you dream of, Captain?_ ) Of cold glass. Of a figure that lurks in the shadows. Smirking, mocking. ( _You dream of me, Captain? I'm so flattered._ ) Of tears and pain. So much pain. _My skin... it's burning._

"...Kid, you know what I have to do if you won't talk to me, right?" That gets your attention. NO! You won't take this ship from me! If you try I'll...( _walk over their cold corpses? Is that what you were trying to say, Captain?_ ) _No, no I- no. Shut up. SHUT UP_.

You down your drink in one gulp. Not feeling or tasting anything has it advantages. You look Bones straight in the eyes and tell him you're alright. "Just a few nightmares. That's all there is, Bones." He buys it. Or so you think. You don't know. You don't know anything anymore. He nods, puts a hand on his shoulder. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right, kid?" You leave the sick bay with a new bottle of bills with you. You know you're not going to use them.

_In. Out. In. Out._

~o~

You lean against the little ledge in front of the window in the observation deck. You like this place. Or you used to. You're not sure how you feel right now. You raise your hand and place it against the class. It's cold. You stare into the space and suddenly there's no stars. That's your first officer on the other side. He aligns his hand with yours. He is crying. _Why is he crying?_ And then you know, because suddenly the air is thin and tastes like blood and your body feels like it's on fire. Like every single cell of your body had been set ablaze. You fall backwards and everything is back to normal. The stars look like they're mocking you. ( _You're mad, Captain._ )

_Shut up. Shut up._

~o~

Chess. It has become a tradition for you and your first officer to play at least twice a week. Your hand hovers over the chess board. You stare at it, fixated. You can feel your pulse, can almost see it. Steady beats. _Ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum._ Suddenly another hand grabs yours. Tightly. Almost painfully. Dark brown eyes stare into yours, begging, asking. "Let me help," he begs. Does he know what he just said? What a famous writer has said of those words? That he has recommended them over 'I love you'? ( _Do you really think he could love a monster?_ )

Spock raises from his chair and comes to stand in front of you. He cradles your chin on his palm and holds it there, waiting, watching, holding your face like a single move of his fingers could shatter you. You suppose it is true in a way. Humans are fragile. Their only protection against the world is the skin covering them. Fragile, fragile skin. Skin that has nothing against radiation. Skin that can't prevent pain and coldness and tears. Skin that breaks and lets the life bleed out. Just a one single cut in the right spot and you're dead. Just one wrong move and you're gone. The flow of your thoughts is interrupted by a pair of cold lips upon yours. You don't move, you don't even breathe, just let them rest there. You don't know how you feel. Maybe you don't feel nothing. Or maybe you don't want to break this moment when you finally get what you have wanted for so long. He doesn't move either, just presses gently, delicately, so that it doesn't feel like there's much pressure at all.

This is your frozen moment in time. One little moment that last only seconds but feels like forever. You close your eyes.

Peace. There are no voices, no nothing. Just his lips upon yours. He tries to draw back but you open your eyes in panic and won't let him. (No no not him. Don't leave me leave me leave me.) (Your brother's back turned on you, his last words ringing in your ears "You'll be fine Jim." Your mother's tear-streaked face as she boards a shuttle and leaves you. Your mentor's eyes glazed and unseeing, blood dripping from his chin. His skin cold and dead)

You pull Spock towards you, clutching for dear life, afraid to let go. His fingers interweave with the strands of your hair. "I will not leave," he whispers against your shoulder. You close your eyes and squeeze harder. After an hour, a minute, a year, he takes your hand and leads you to bed. He lies down with you, slowly comping your hair with his long fingers, while his other hand pulls you closer. You close your eyes and breathe. You can feel his steady heartbeat - faster than human's - beating on his side.

( _Is there anything you would not do for your family, Captain?_ ) You can almost see him. Standing beside the bed and staring mockingly down at your two forms. You squeeze your eyes shut so hard it almost hurts.

_Shut up. Shut up._

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are love! <3  
> And before you ask, no, Jim wasn't cured. These things take a lot of time and effort.


End file.
